Communication ​

I like asking people what they are excited about.

One thing I learned is to always be proactive with reaching out to people. Just phrase the first message to short and actionable. Many great things came from someone sending that first message and connecting. Often times Twitter or email are best entry points.

And do ask for help kindly, many will gladly help you or advise.

I try to be thoughtful with my responses and communication. Steve Jobs is great example of what that means. Even so far as taking 10 seconds to craft a thoughtful response.

There's a difference between criticism and personal attacks. The latter is best responded to with kindness or simply ignoring it as it was not meant to help you in first place. I do value criticism from people I value and when I see that intentions are good and try to note anything I find of value down to improve. I don't let outside criticism define my self worth in any way.

It's hard to really know someone's life story based on what others said or wrote about. Everyone has incentives for saying some things and it's easy to hate on things/people rather than bring people up and learn together. I try to always do the latter.

I try to go out my way to meet more people and reach out either physically or online. Doing it when I have something to say and real interest in the person.

Nice diagram for how to deal with any kind of feedback.

I try to communicate transparently and in detail about things I tried and things I am blocked on. And cultivate this kind of culture of not being afraid of sharing where you're blocked in any team/company I work with.

Notes ​

• Never underestimate the impact of informal positive feedback on a junior, career-changer or someone new to the stack. Often people just need to know they're on the right road.
• At the end of each meeting ask if they know anyone else you can meet with. I normally tell them I’m trying to expand my network with successful folks in the area/space. Nice way to indirect compliment them.
• Trust your people. Simplify and then simplify again. If you don’t trust your team to present complex concepts in a simple manner, the whole system breaks. Don’t use 10 words when you can use one.
• Remember that almost no conversation ends with a change of mind. That happens later, if at all.
• Bell ran a study to find out what the most productive engineers did differently from their peers. The answer was communication. They did a lot more of it. They bounced ideas with co-workers, they validated solutions with customers, they did their own research, and so on.
• The key to success is overcommunicating.
• Pay attention to who you have the highest-bandwidth conversations with (i.e., important ideas are exchanged quickly and clearly). Work with those people any way you can.
• Respect and honesty are the foundation layer that all human contact is built upon. Whatever the situation and whoever we're talking to, let's offer respect, and let's be deserving of people's trust. Offline or online, it doesn't matter.
• I’ve learned that when I have a positive thought about someone, it’s generally worth communicating it. If I think a coworker saved me on some project, I tell them. If my partner is making me feel warm and fuzzy, I tell her. If someone impresses me, I say so. I don’t think people express these things nearly as often as they feel them, and I expect that many of the positive things that do end up communicated have another motive behind them. Simple earnest positive comments are very much worthwhile.
• Most people do not listen with the intent to understand, they listen with the intent to reply.
• My love language is direct feedback and clear next steps.
• If you see something you love online, maybe consider emailing the person and letting them know! Worst case, they’ll ignore it, best case, you’ll forget about it and then be pleasantly surprised when they answer
• Never expect or require someone to get back to you immediately unless it’s a true emergency. The expectation of immediate response is toxic.
• Best calls I've had for months have been audio walk-and-talks and I love them.
• The gross thing about assuming all women in tech are dealing with impostor syndrome is that lots of men take it as permission to position themselves as your mentor rather than your peer.
• My favorite question anyone asks me when I am struggling is, 'Do you want empathy or strategy right now?'
• The business world now works like this: 1. If I don't know you > Zoom. 2. If I know you a bit > Email. 3. If we really work together / collaborate > Text.
• Don’t confuse your critics with your haters. Critics see good in you too. Learn to value your critics. They aren’t trying to mess with you. They may not be correct but critics aren’t haters. Learn to spot the differences.
• The way to keep politics out of work is to keep your work environment professional.
• Some companies think political discussions belong in any part of their work space. Others feel they get in the way of other communication. A suggestion to reject false trade-offs: actively create spaces for these conversations.
• Zoom has conditioned me to believe that if I don’t like an event or meeting, I can just leave—immediately and without a word to anyone.
• 7 principles for better networking (2021)
• Don't prioritize someone else's opinions, expectations or thoughts on your response times over your own needs/wants/availability. Some people will complain you aren't responsive enough, some will think its too much, some will reply to soon for your liking, some too slow.
• Show interest and ask follow up questions to whatever conversation is going on along with while sharing some of your own experiences.
• Tell your colleagues you appreciate them, directly and in private. Kudos are awesome, but a private message from a coworker feels really authentic and awesome.
• The best engineers I know admit when they don't know something.
• Everyone’s favorite subject is themselves. Remember that when you’re trying to strike up a conversation.
• Conversation should be back/forth, not interrupting.
• It's not a joke if only you thinks it's funny.
• Staying/sitting together is support too.
• People give and receive far fewer compliments than would be good for them.
• Pretty crazy you can just reach out to anyone whenever you want
• The best gauge of intimacy is the first people you want to tell good news and bad news.
• At the end of every meeting, create a feedback google doc. Use this template: [name] Like: Wish That:
• Be willing to speak up and take a stand.
• Put the most important thing out first in announcements, then justify why customers should be still happy.
• Underrated superpower in life: asking for things you want
• I always prefer people who work and root for things rather than rooting or arguing against. Even if you hate something and want it to change you can still channel that into rooting for / building something which fixes it rather than just talking about it.
• Higher level impact often requires influencing peers and leaders. You need to get good at crisply stating why something is important, tailoring details to your audience and communicating regularly.
• They don’t lie to you because the truth will hurt your feelings. They lie to you because the truth might provoke you to make the choices that won’t serve their interests.
• Take a moment before answering / deciding / reacting. Don't be pulled into someone else's tempo, keep your own rhythm and pace.
• Trust can be ruined with a single word, and it’s not easy to rebuild. (HN)
• If all you get out of incident review is engineers who talk more openly about how their stuff fails, you're winning.
• Intent does not erase impact. - Robust community benefits from intentional sporadic engagement. Not every actor has to contribute to liveness. Has to support different modes for different nodes. Communities thrive on growth of individuals, together. Intentions are good fuel for that.
• Basic principles of constructive feedback: 1. Before you give it, ask if they want to receive it. 2. Be clear that you believe in their potential and care about their success. 3. Be as candid as possible in what you say, and as thoughtful as possible in how you say it.
• People try ridiculously hard to make themselves look smart when they’d leave a more lasting positive impression by listening, loosening the other person up, and making them laugh — i.e. making the other person feel smart.
• There are 2 kinds of critics. Some respect the work + want it to be better. Others lack the guts to show their own work and jealously nit pick. 1's are medicine (tastes bad, good for the work). 2's are poison. Knowing the difference is hard but important
• Two insane unlocks: 1. Not caring (or managing) when others know you don’t know something. This lets you ask “dumb” questions, which are often foundational ones. 2. Agreeing with colleagues that feedback isn’t criticism, it’s opportunity. This removes festering frustrations.
• My main goal in most convos is to find the thing that makes the other person’s eyes sparkle.
• Who you bounce around reflections of the world with seems like the single most influential input on your curiosity, creativity, and how clearly you see the world. incalculable how much being + picking friends that coax conviction and help create contentedness pays off in purpose.
• Being low agreeableness is a tax on everyone who happens to encounter you.
• Communication can be a sign of dysfunction in teams. Means people aren't working together in a close, organic way.
• Don’t say maybe when you want to say no.
• Meetings are a usually a bug. If you properly root cause them, you will find a trust issue, a clarity issue, or a missing API. Meetings can paper over these, but it’s much better to fix root cause.
• Often surprised by how hard it is for adults to just ask for what they want. I suspect this is aggressively trained out of us in childhood, and many never undo the training. You can ask for a lot as long as you’re ok with being told “no”.

Links ​

• HN: Help me ask why you didn't just (Great comment)
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• Great example of well communicated email with action points by Apple Exec
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• Почему с вами может быть действительно сложно общаться
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• How to mentor software engineers
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• Nuanced communication usually doesn't work at scale (HN)
• Precision In Technical Discussions (2022) (Lobsters)
• Don’t point out something wrong immediately (2022) (HN)
• Most helpful thing someone has said to you when you’re in a tough spot
• Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion? (2022)
• Ask HN: What is your recommended stack for real time chat? (2022)
• Tell HN: There needs to be a “right to speak with a human” (2022)
• What can replace the “what do you do” question at a party?
• Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve? (2022)
• Epistemic legibility: being easy to argue with is a virtue (2022) (HN)
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• If you could only ask one single question of everyone you meet from now on, what would you ask?
• The Freedom of the Press | The Orwell Foundation
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• Much of our waking life is spent in a desperate struggle to persuade others that we are not what we fear ourselves to be.
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• Советы по знакомству тред
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• Ideas for better 1 on 1's
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• Inclusive Design Communities, A Book Apart
• Please don't be spooky (2022) (HN)
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• Ask HN: How do I learn to communicate effectively? (2022)
• There are three types of meetings
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• Record and transcribe your meetings + more tips (2022)
• Ask HN: Why do some people not communicate clearly? (2022)
• Many meetings during the day affect you negatively
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• Ask HN: How to work with people who push back forcefully? (2022)
• Ask HN: Strategies for Being More Eloquent? (2022)
• Steve Jobs Insult Response (HN)
• Conversation skills essentials (HN)
• Don't just say hello in chat
• Ask HN: I'd like to learn how to tell stories better to friends (2023)
• Retrospectives Antipatterns (2023) (Lobsters)
• How I give formal written feedback
• Common Ground - Social chat app for communities. Publish news, discuss topics and vote on what matters.
• On a technicality (2016)
• Report bugs effectively