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Depression

Depression is a natural emotion that is caused by your body's response to the unpleasant environment you are in.

I found doing my best to try change my environment (change physical space I spend time in and/or try new activities) together with truly believing in my self worth helped me overcome the depressive episodes I had in life.

I remember the times I did feel depressed and down I doubted my ability and future hard. Once in university when I failed many courses as I couldn't force myself to prepare for what I thought were useless exams and once when I had to do mandatory army. Both times I thought my future was uncertain. I would not get into university I want or get any kind of job because I was not smart enough. Each day didn't seem to change this and move me closer to that goal thus I felt depressed, useless and sadly affected relationships close to me in effect.

Since then I learned I am not as useless as I thought. The first job I got, I actually didn't even want to go to it as I was sure I would not get the job and fail the interview. Why even try? I did go eventually, thanks to my girlfriend telling me to try, took the train and went to Amsterdam and actually got the job. I lost it after few months as I wasn't as good at programming as they wanted but getting that first job was monumental in making me believe in myself.

I have lost many more jobs since that time mostly for not being a great programmer. I was fired 8 times actually for underperformance. And on 2nd fire, I was told by CEO I should reconsider being a programmer and go back to studying or that I should just switch career entirely as I was just bad.

What's interesting is that all those firings have not phased me at all. I was not depressed since as I somehow found my self worth and realized no one externally can take that away from me. Nothing aside from physical pain could hurt me any more and I felt free.

I now try my best to mindfully be aware of emotions, thoughts and feelings I have and focus on improving my happiness in life by being grateful and optimistic towards the future.

Life is truly too short to dwell on the past and worry about the future that may never come. Live in the moment and try all the things. Embrace any rejections you get.

Another thing that greatly helped overcome any sadness or depressive thoughts I had was journaling. The act of writing things down and letting things go is a very cathartic process.

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